How to get out of a bad relationship

Welcome

"Don't settle for a relationship that won't let you be yourself!"-- Oprah

Welcome!

This is a site dedicated to those who are struggling and evaluating their relationship, or you have made the choice to leave but are not sure what your next steps are.

A relationship is really about two souls traveling a path together and sometimes it is time for these two souls to take different paths.  Ending a relationship does not have to be filled with blame and resentment.  It can be an opportunity for greater closeness and mutual support.

Please feel free to leave your story here!

The love trance....The Enchantment Phase

The love trance....Enchantment
Yup, if you are thinking what I am thinking you are absolutely right!  When you "fall in love" you are in a "trance"  and I am not defining trance loosely here!!!!  I mean it quite literally.

The trance of falling in love has all the elements of a hypnotic trance.
1. Eyes are often glazed over
2. Your attention is absorbed in the one you have fallen for.
3. A special kind of forgetting, over looking and not noticing occurs (you just see the good and the not good is re framed usually as cute Ie: like sox on the floor)
4. Feel good chemicals are running rampant in your body.
5. There is a diminution of peripheral awareness ( other things just don't seem as important)
6. You are open to suggestions from the one you are in love with.  Every thing they say you seem to find endlessly fascinating.

Then BLAMO!!!!  you wake...you are startled..the person you thought you were in love with is not actually the person you are with...

Reality begins to rear it's ugly head!  You are a little confused and disoriented...you become disenchanted...You spend your time trying to get the relationship back to enchantment  this causes fighting, arguing and the need to shlep your partner to couples therapy...but it just doesn't work....you begin to think to yourself...this is not for me...it's time to end it.....

You have awakened from your trance.

Every love relationship will cycle through this pathway.  There are a couple of places to intervene so that you don't have to relationship hop (go from one relationship to another and wind up in the same place...so annoying!)

1. Before you get into a relationship and before you go on one more date make sure you know who you are (what your values are and what is really important to you)

2. Make sure you know exactly what your must haves in a relationship are and be specific...(vague things like "good communicator" or "kind" make it very difficult to spot.  Articulate what you want in behavioral terms.

3. Don't be a wimp about going after it...(this goes for men, women, gay or straight)

Ok..now suppose you skipped the above step...So what do you do when you wake up from the trance...well assuming that you have similar enough values and shared goals..(NOT compatibility, this idea is a farce and has nothing to do with relationship success!) 

When you wake up from your trance you realize that you and your partner are different.

How these differences get integrated( not compromised) matters most.
So here are some basic assumptions do go on and what to do with them.

1. my parter does not see the world the way I do....my job is to learn about his/her world view)

2. My partner does not experience the world the way I do....my job is to learn about his/her world view.

3. My partner does not communicate the way I do....my job is to learn his/language

4. My partners behavior has more to do with who they are then with who I am...It is not useful to take his/her behavior personally..rather it is important for me to see his/her behavior in terms of who they are.

These assumptions often help in moving from "in love" to actually loving.

My definition of love is the willingness to learn your partners love map and not giving your partner what matches your love map.

Happy relating!!!

See you next time.

Abusive relationships....just the facts

You know you are in an abusive relationship when...
1. Your partner is overly jealous
2. Is emotional withholding
3. lies
4. breaks promises
5. Tries to control your behavior.  Who you see, spend time with etc...
6. Tries to bully or intimidate you with anger, rage, yelling etc..
7. Pressures you sexually
8. Blames you for their emotional state
9. Humiliates you in front of others.
10. Your friends and family are worried about your safety
11. Has hit you
12. Has used some thing as a weapon against you
13. Had caused you physical harm or damage
14. You keep wanting to give them a second chance.

The fact is that all abuse is not physical and often starts out as one and becomes progressively worse.

If you are in a relationship in which any of these behaviors are exhibited. Get help.
Call the police, call your local abuse hot line.

Do not, I repeat, do not try to handle this by your self!

Secondary Losses; When Bad Relationships End

No matter how bad a relationship gets, when it ends, you still feel the loss as poignantly as if the relationship had been perfect in all regards.

This is normal, believe it or not, because humans are creatures of habit. When relationships end -- even bad relationships -- we feel the loss on several fronts.

Relationships are not just about feelings shared between two people; they're also about rituals, which become ingrained in our minds. Think about your last relationship.

• Did you have a standing Friday night date at a favorite restaurant?
• Did you call each other at the same time every night?
• Did you share household chores, have a favorite sport or hobby, or sleep in a certain way every night?

These rituals become a part of our lives, and when bad relationships end, those rituals end as well. It isn't strange to mourn the rituals even more than the loss of your significant other, especially if he or she was abusive. These secondary losses can be surprisingly painful, even when the relationship wasn't healthy.

1. Interdependency

Relationships, no matter what the quality, result in different levels of interdependency. You learn to depend on your significant other for love, support, and a host of other benefits. When relationships end and you no longer have that other person to whom you used to run, you might feel as though you have lost your other half.

2. The Future

Most couples make plans for the future, be it purchasing a new house or taking a long vacation. Some couples even have five-year plans! When that relationship ends, your plans for the future go up in smoke. You have to remember, however, that you will build a new future with someone else, and you still have your own future to look forward to.

3. Extended Family

I don't know about you, but I always get involved with the family members of my significant other. We go to the zoo, have dinner together, talk on the phone and share life's troubles. When a relationship ends, you invariably lose touch with the family members to whom you have grown close. With bad relationships in particular, however, this can be a good thing. Cutting ties entirely will ensure a fresh start.

4. Possessions

In almost any long-term relationship, you tend to acquire different things together. Perhaps you jointly purchased a living-room set, a vehicle or even a pet. When the relationship ends, you must divide your possessions in whatever way you see fit. The loss of those items you've acquired together can be felt as strongly as the loss of the person, but it will help you to move on.

No matter the secondary losses that occur when you leave a bad relationship, you have to know that things will get better, and that you will form a new life now that the bad relationship has finally ended. Take the perspective of a fresh beginning, rather than focusing on all that you might have lost.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time."
Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Possessive Relationship; Are you in one?

So, you've been planning a night with your friends for weeks, and you couldn't be more excited about it.

You'll get all spruced up, eat a light dinner, then it's off to the local bar or club for some good-old-fashioned clean fun.

You'll catch up on the latest news and discuss last week's episode of Survivor; it's the perfect way to relax and kick back, without worrying about work or problems at home. Right?

Wrong! Then, disaster strikes... Your partner doesn't want you to go out with your friends; instead, they want you to stay at home where they can keep an eye on you… Just to be sure you aren't flirting with anyone else.

You're furious, but you call your friends to cancel because you don't want to make your mate mad.

"...healthy relationship includes a foundation of trust and devotion."
-- Eric G. Schneider, D. Min.

What's wrong with this picture?

Whether or not you're in a committed relationship, we all need to be free to see our friends and go out alone every once in a while. Relationships don't mean that you're attached at the hip, and a healthy relationship includes a foundation of trust and devotion.

This scenario above is a classic case of a possessive relationship.

Most people attach the phenomenon of the possessive relationship to a man's inability to cope with a woman's life outside of the relationship, but this isn't always the case.

Women can be just as controlling as men, and it isn't healthy for either partner. Relationships are meant to bring two people together, but not to shackle one to the other.

If the above scenario sounds like your typical Friday (or Saturday or any day) night dilemma, then it might be time to call it quits. You don't need a second mother or father, and you certainly don't need to be made to feel like a child.

You have to understand that you're worth much more, and that you have earned the trust of your partner. Unless you have done something to breach that trust, your significant other has absolutely no right to tell you when and where you will see your friends - that's your prerogative!

Too many people remain in possessive relationships because they don't understand that what their partner is doing is wrong. Or, perhaps they know it is wrong, but they want so badly to please that other person so much that they are willing to look past this obvious breach of trust.

Whatever the case, you have to know deep within your heart that you can find a better relationship, and that your personal life should be just that -- your personal life.

If you have fallen into a possessive relationship, talk with your partner and air your concerns. If he or she truly cares about you, then an effort will be made to curb their jealousy.

If not, it may be time to call it quits.

Staying in a bad relationship is hurting both of you!

Some reasons why people stay in bad relationships

   1. They sometimes believe that something is better than nothing.
   2. They sometimes think that they are a failure if they are not able to maintain a relationship.
   3. They are often concerned with the other person's reactions and what the other person will think of them.
   4. They are concerned with what their families and friends will think.
   5. They use children or their history together as a way of justifying sticking with it.
   6. They are neurotic caretakers and hope that eventually their partner will change and be able to take care of them.

All of these reasons have one thing in common:

They are based on fear, self-image (ego) and are rooted in cowardice!

Staying in a relationship you know you don't belong in is actually an act of selfishness and should not be confused with altruism.

Staying in a bad relationship keeps your soul and the soul of your partner trapped and it is hampered to express itself!

Remember courage is not the absence of fear - it is taking the actions that you know you need to take in spite of the fear!

***This is offered in the spirit of you thinking about who you are in your relationship and not meant to be a substitute for working with a professional to explore these issues in depth and at length.